This week, Game of Thrones opened with a reprieve of sorts after last week’s heartbreaking ending, where it was revealed that Hodor’s ultimate purpose was to accomplish the same thing as an occasional chair wedged under a doorknob. And that was by revealing a character that book readers know as Coldhands, a dark rider who rescues Meera and Bran by smashing skeletons apart with a flaming mace. It’s not quite the firepower of the Children of the Forest’s magic grenades, but it gets the job done, allowing us to spend a bit more time inside the head of tranced-out Bran, who adds a vision of the Mad King and vivid green wildfire to his mental mixtape of Westeros’ Greatest Hits.
After last week 's episode, fans surmised that Coldhands — whose sole function in the book is to escort Bran and company to the Three-Eyed Raven’s tree — might be used as the cavalry to escort the survivors back to the Wall. And indeed he does, scooping the pair up onto his horse for a quick escape. After finding safety, he unbundles his face to reveal that he’s actually Benjen Stark (another correct prediction), the Knight’s Watch ranger seen in the pilot and referred to on numerous occasions. Thought dead, Benjen actually encountered white walkers while on a mission. He was stabbed by one of their ice swords, but before he could turn, he was healed by the Children of the Forest in the same way they made the Night’s King — by sticking dragonglass into his heart. Benjen (whose name coincidentally autocorrects as “benign”) tells Bran that he is now the Three-Eyed Raven, the Chosen One, the Big Cheese, and even though he has not learned nearly enough, we’re gonna hit all these hero’s journey cliches anyway and dammit, Bran, you’re just gonna have to fake it till you make it, because the Night’s King is coming to the wall. “You will be there waiting for him and you will be ready,” Benjen says. No pressure.
Meanwhile, a much more comfortable journey is being had on the way to the Tarly household, as Sam takes Gilly and child to meet the parents. As they roll up to the Tarly estate, it’s clear that Gilly’s never seen a building so nice. We’re then treated to a surprise makeover, as the wildling appears in a stately dress with perfect TV hair. Sam tells her she’s beautiful, because we’re doing ‘90s teen movie cliches in Game of Thrones now, I guess. At dinner, Gilly is tentative with flatware as Sam talks about life on the Wall. Talk of food turns to hunting. Gilly chimes in, surprising Sam’s belittling father. “She’s a hunter…huntress,” Sam — ever the woke bae — corrects himself.
His dickhead dad then food-shames him, tearing into Sam: “I thought the knight’s watch might make a man out of you but you’ve stayed soft and fat.”
Gilly stands up for Sam in turn and gives away her wildling heritage and we’ve gone from Pretty Woman to Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner in record time. Dad’s position on immigration seems to come straight from right-leaning news ravens. He goes off on a racist rant against Gilly and points out a Clearly Important Piece Of Magical Do-Goodery, a house sword called Heartsbane (cool name), made of — fruit cup with lunch if you guessed it — Valyrian steel. Those tend to come in handy. And it does, as a no-longer-welcome Sam steals it before the couple and baby depart into the night.
In a hey-remember-me scene that serves mostly to set up stuff for next episode, we’re with Walder Frey, instigator of the Red Wedding, who is upset that his forces no longer control Riverrun, which as we know from last episode, is in the hands of the Stark-loyalist Tullys. We’re reminded that Edmure Tully a) exists, and b) is a hostage, married to Walder’s daughter.
Back in Braavos, Arya watches last week’s play once again — it’s the purple wedding scene, and Arya is clearly delighted by the actor’s portrays of Joffrey’s death throes. It’s the first time we’ve seen Arya smiling in forever, standing in stark contrast (sorry) to her reaction to the re-enactment of her father’s beheading last week. After sneaking backstage to poison the older actress’s wine, she’s spotted by her intended victim, who noticed Arya’s stalking in the crowd and pegs her as a nutty fangirl. “What’s your name?” she asks, as Jaqen’s voice echoes in our ears. “Mercy” the girl who has no name replies, letting us know where this is going. They share a moment about what a woman who lost her son would want, and Arya finds her moral center. She slaps the wine from the actress’s hand and warns her about the girl who put a hit on her. But the Faceless Mean Girl is watching and sees Arya bail out on her mission. Arya heads to retrieve Needle and reclaim her Stark identity as the Faceless Mean Girl reports to Jaqen and asks to kill Arya. “Don’t let her suffer,” he says.
Back in King’s Landing, the High Sparrow bonds with young King Tommen, who demonstrates the effect inbreeding has had on his intelligence. Tommen is concerned about Margaery’s safety during her upcoming Walk of Shame and wants some reassurances. The High Sparrow assures Tommen it’s all good and lets him visit Margaery, who’s seemingly developed Stockholm Syndrome. But Cersei’s plan goes forward anyway, as Jamie and the Tyrell forces assemble outside the sept and demand the release of Margery and Ser Loras. It appears as if the High Sparrow caves in to Jamie’s threat of force when he agrees that there will be no Walk of Shame for Margery…but it’s because TOMMEN HAS CONVERTED TO SPARROWISM. He emerges from the shadows to stand next to Margery and the High Sparrow, to pretty much everyone’s disgust but the commoners. The High Sparrow declares it “a holy alliance between the crown and the faith.” And that always turns out well for everyone. The crowd eats it up.
Jamie is tossed off the Kingsguard and takes solace by ferociously making out with Cersei, who clearly was outmaneuvered once again. Jaime is headed to take back Riverrun, putting him on a collision course with Jon, Sansa, and — crucially — Brienne. Safe bet to say that there will be some drama there, but Jamie is going to need an army if he’s going to take control of King’s Landing. And the Stark loyalists are probably going to want revenge for Robb and Catelyn. Expect an uneasy alliance next week as the War of However Many Kings Are Left continues. And Walder Frey’s head on a platter.
Finally, we head to Spain Essos, where Dany and her Khalasar march toward home. She and Dario muse about her next move. “ You're a conqueror, Daenerys Stormborn,” he says, lending some credence to the theory that Dany might in fact turn out to be the power-hungry villain of our story. And just to underline her show of strength, Drogon returns. It’s a maximally epic scene — has he grown even larger? — with Dany on his back, giving a speech to her troops. Westeros, here we come. As drogon roars, we get a close look into his fearsome mouth — are those fire glands? — and we’re out.
And so am I. Your regular GoT recapper returns next week.
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Here's What You Can Expect To See In The Last Three Episodes Of This Season Of Game Of Thrones